It’s rare that I get a weekday off work, but when I do, I do non-worky things. Like fail at multiple attempts of homemade granola bars. Read Gone With the Wind with the cat curled in my lap. Eat guacamole wearing nothing but a t-shirt and underpants. And indulge in Prison Break marathons. Oh. And shell out $70 to pay a strange woman to slather my body in hot, sticky liquid and rip out every hair from my nether most private region. Which I suppose isn’t that private now since I’m telling you about it.

Men: Now is a good time to navigate to the top left area of your screen and press the back arrow. Or, better yet, stay here. Let me share this educational bedtime story with you.

I’m pretty pale with a few freckles here and there and the occasionally splotchy face because I’m so readily embarrassed. Oh, and my skin is uber-sensitive, so I have banned myself from “real” tanning, and while I shave my legs and underarms every day or two with relative ease, taking a razor to my bikini area is a task I fear from the moment I wake up. But I prefer to be bushless and I loathe, loathe, loathe stubble. So, I do it. But, my boyfriend and I are going on vacation next week and I intend to be in a bikini for 4 days straight. Hence, this inspiration.

So, this morning, I decided to get a spray tan and a Brazilian wax. In that order.

Prior to Yelp-ing local waxing joints as I laid in bed this morning, I came across a plethora of Pinterest posts promising me the “Perfect DIY Brazilian Wax at Home” which they should probably rename “How to Accidentally Eff Up Your Entire Bathroom and Every Towel You Own and Also Likely Accidentally Glue Your Privates Together.” So, because waxing your vagina alone is the worst idea ever, I called 4 salons until I finally found one with a wax opening today due to a cancellation (every other salon was booked until mid-June. This is not a joke. I guess bushes are a goldmine in this area. And at $60/appointment per half hour, I am now considering a switch in profession.)

So, yeah. I got waxed. And the honest-to-goodness truth? It hurt like hell. Just like L, the aesthetician (waxer), told me it would. But she was fast. Very fast. Thank goodness. I’d had this done once before, about 5 years ago, and vowed to never get waxed again because it was almost an hour of unbearable pain. But L was fantastic. She was done in 12 minutes flat. And she was THOROUGH. I confessed to her beforehand that I was petrified, though I’m sure in her 8 years’ experience in beaver waxing, I was her most difficult client. Even though I was so very knowledgeable from all of my internet research this morning.

Though when it comes to the the Brazilian wax tips and info out there in Internet land, it seems most of it is a dirty, rotten lie: “It may sting a little your first time.” “Pop an Advil an hour before to help numb the pain.” “It gets easier with every wax.” “You hardly notice a think as you and the aesthetician chit-chat.”

No.

Those are lies.

You know what would calm my nerves while you are spreading my legs into unnatural positions and smearing my most sensitive skin in what feels like hot Hershey’s syrup but smells like a potholder you left melting on a forgotten burner? A Long Island Iced Tea. Through an IV. While I lay atop a heating mattress clothed in my Care Bears blankie. As the aroma of lavender verbena candles waft through the room. And Frank Sinatra croons at me from above. And I’m surrounded by tulips and various earthy accents. Instead of tongue depressors and bubbly pots of death wax. And the voices of a woman and her aesthetician in the next room carrying on a loud conversation about a recent cruise, as if patches of her pubic hair being scorched and yanked out is the most pleasant thing in the world.

FINE. So, maybe I’m a baby. And obviously there are plenty, millions even, of women who get this done every 4-6 weeks, as is recommended. And I’m sure it DOES hurt less if you go more often, as your hair is less coarse and ingrown hairs are less likely. But I am not comforted, my friends. I remain in fear. Because as I sit here typing, I wish I could open the freezer with my eyes and encourage the bag of frozen corn to levitate toward me and onto my crotch, where I would cherish and cradle it.

But, I’m actually digging the final results. (Thank you, L.) Poor L. When she told me to make my nervous hands useful and pull the skin on my belly and upper thigh taut each time she spread the wax, I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth and at the first sense of motion, pushed my skin toward her, making her job more difficult as my skin creased. But still, she was pleasant. Less than a foot from my labia and charming as could be.

And ultimately, she turned me into a bronzed goddess with a bald beaver screaming in pain with rectangular shapes of pale white  — where the muslin strips were placed over the wax and pulled — adorning the areas between my hips and thighs, courtesy of my genius Mystic Tan attempt 2 hours prior. Which L totally cracked up about. Good-naturedly. I think.

When she finished my wax, L gave me a cloth with a blue oil on it to rub over the area, and out the door she went. 12 minutes. Of the worst pain of my life. (No, I haven’t gone through childbirth. But for now, I’ll maintain that it’s closing in on a tie, since I didn’t get an epidural with mine.)

$70 and a few final tweezes later, I totally recommend it. All of it. (But, get your faux tan on afterwards.)

But, perhaps I should consider lazer hair removal, so these bouts of pain would result in a lifetime of results as opposed to a month. And I’m now reminded of a radio talk show I was listening to a while back in which a widowed father called in to ask if he should let his 16-year old get a bikini wax with all of her friends before she goes on spring break. He wondered if it was normal and acceptable; he had no idea. And you know what? Either do I. Perhaps another blog post in the making.

And now, off to trade in my piping hot laptop for that bag o’ frozen corn.